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took grandmother #2 back home to Hiram this morning. will be really… - love like me ・ 日記
non solum memento mori, memento vivere sed etiam
気持: numb
took grandmother #2 back home to Hiram this morning. will be really angry at grandfather if he doesn't stop trying to convince grandmother #1 to stop going to the doctor and taking her medication. honestly, is he trying to kill her? well, no. he's a health nut, who is convinced that modern medicines will kill you faster than they will heal you, and who stopped taking his own medication years ago because some natural remedies magazine said it was bad for you. so he thinks his wife will be just fine on vitamins alone, and the rest of us think he's an absolute crackpot. his brother-in-law (his sister's husband) for years would only see a naturopath instead of a regular doctor, even after he had a heart attack about 2 months ago, until his wife and kids practically forced him to go to a normal doctor. now, i'm not saying there's nothing to be said for natural remedies. some of them are great. but modern medicine has its uses too...

so now i'm here in the house alone, with no one to talk to, just getting more and more angry at all the stubbornness and stupidity i see in my family, getting more and more depressed about the fact that no one seems to want to be around me. it feels like it happened rather suddenly, but the truth is that i've never had a lot of friends, and when those few friends i have are all busy at once, even if it's a coincidence, it feels like a conspiracy. thank god for Fiona, though. she's the only friend i have right now who's around with a reasonable amount of predictability and doesn't insist that our every conversation be about her problems. too bad she's in another state...i keep wondering if i can come up with some excuse to go to New Orleans to visit her, but i don't think anyone would be keen on me driving all that way by myself, least of all me. i really hate driving long distances alone, even if Dallas-New Orleans is only about half as far as Dallas-Phoenix, which i've driven alone several times...

right now i'm just procrastinating on finishing this application to go back to school. why? i don't know. i would like to be back in school, but...it feels like something in me really wants to fail at this, and i'm not sure why. i've never really failed at anything, unless i meant to, and something in me wants to know what that feels like. something in me knows that until i hit absolute rock bottom, i'm not going to learn to depend on myself. the rest of me isn't happy about that, but i don't know how to change it...

i guess i'm just not cut out for this sort of thing.
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