?

Log in

No account? Create an account
No, my cold didn't kill me. But it's taking its sweet time in going… - love like me ・ 日記
non solum memento mori, memento vivere sed etiam
No, my cold didn't kill me. But it's taking its sweet time in going away, unless I've somehow caught another one already.

I don't have much else to say, really. I'd like to have a social life, but I spend too much time working and I don't really like bars and clubs anyway (if anybody knows anywhere else to meet people my age, let me know). Also, I need a better job. If anybody knows where to get one of those...

I suppose it's a good sign that I'm unhappy with things, because it means I've finally stabilized enough to recognize what I still need. But they're the same things I've needed since junior high, only now I'm in an even more unfavorable position as far as opportunities to get them. I get so depressed thinking about it, because I'm not getting any younger, and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. All my friends are either my age or older. The older ones have already been married and had kids and in general done all the things everybody does. The ones my age are doing those things now. What am I doing? Working my ass off, then coming home to pet the cat for awhile before I fall asleep. I feel like I'm never going to meet anyone I might even consider marrying, or at least not until I'm too old to have kids if I wanted to (which might as well be never, as far as I'm concerned). Having endometriosis just makes me more aware of this, as worsening symptoms mean a greater likelihood of infertility, and even though I don't really know if I want kids or not, I'm getting to that age where it's hard not to think about it.

I have attacks of depression about these issues every few days, and it's really starting to get on my nerves. Of course, this makes me even more reluctant to try to do anything about it, because I know I'll do something stupid and end up feeling even worse.

I just don't know.
Link Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Comments
dansaikyo From: dansaikyo Date: Tuesday 31st January 2006 15.54 (UTC) (Link)
All I can say is I know what you mean... because it's all the exact some stuff I could've written... except that in my case even though I don't really like bars and clubs... I still go anyway...

I really try hard not to focus on this stuff because if I do, I'll get into a really bad funk and that's not conducive to me doing anything about it... of course, ignoring it and pretending it's not there isn't conducive to me doing anything about it either... like there's a whole lot I can do ANYWAY... which all can be boiled down to: I'm sorry :/ and I wish I could say/do something...
valamelmeo From: valamelmeo Date: Wednesday 1st February 2006 02.23 (UTC) (Link)
Thanks...And I really mean that.

I'll be there for you when you have your 30-yr-old freakout if you'll be there for me. ^_~
dansaikyo From: dansaikyo Date: Wednesday 1st February 2006 17.31 (UTC) (Link)
I will definitely be there for yours, but I don't know if you want to commit to being there for mine. I'm sure mine is going to be tragic, fabulous, and a scary thing of epic proportions.
hnpcc From: hnpcc Date: Tuesday 31st January 2006 23.34 (UTC) (Link)
Can you join some sort of club? Even if it's only meeting once a week, it's a good start. If you've got a semi-regular night off, try and find something that meets on that night? Jobs I can't help you on. Too busy foofing around here trying to find one myself. The marriage/kids thing is complicated. But you aren't old, and there is time (yeah I know what they say, but I'm ignoring it too). Start with the finding a club thing maybe.

If you're really worried about the meeting boys thing you could always up sticks and move to Alaska. ;-) Just don't move to NYC, it sucks.
valamelmeo From: valamelmeo Date: Wednesday 1st February 2006 02.42 (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, I'm working on finding a club. Problem is that everything I like to do in my spare time is either something you do alone, or incredibly girly, or both. Examples include reading, knitting, computer graphics, crafts... I thought about tennis classes, but they're too expensive, tend to be twice a week, and my days off are somewhat unpredictable and working days preclude me from getting to the tennis center by 7pm when the classes start, and I don't particularly like being outside at all if it's too cold or (as is the case more often) too hot. The only viable option I've come up with so far is possibly a book club or something like that, but I haven't had much luck so far finding one that interests me and might read books desirable men my age would be interested in. ^_~

I know I'm not old, but I'm just over 2 months away from 25, and, as I'm sure you're aware, mortality begins to beckon. Possibly more so for me than for many, due to cultural expectations. It doesn't help at all that I'm surrounded by people who are either doing the things I want to be doing, or have already done them, had already done them by the time they were my age, and don't understand what I'm so worked up about. And then there's my mother, who, being a mother, probably doesn't require further explanation.

Also, in my line of work, all your co-workers are married or in long-term committed relationships, and any customers you meet are most likely married or soon to be. I really should get a job that has more potential for meeting other single people, but the job market is tight, and I feel that I don't have the qualifications to get something paying as well with a company I don't have a long history with. Without a partner or even a roommate, I don't have the financial wherewithal to accept anything paying less than I'm making now, or really the emotional support to take such a big risk. So I feel trapped in a lot of ways right now...

And I suppose that's enough for now. You've got things to do. ^_~
5つのコメントを見るコメントをする