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Since I never make any resolutions, here are some for the cat. My… - love like me ・ 日記
non solum memento mori, memento vivere sed etiam
Since I never make any resolutions, here are some for the cat.

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and
I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the
aquarium.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then
come home and throw them up so the humans can see that
I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall
in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat
litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my
fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for
late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests
Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over
any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds
outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the
window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will
not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race
outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if
there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and
scratch when my human has to shave me to get the
rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the
house. It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people
are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else
one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the
air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they
are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their
forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my
lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for
no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down
the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has
watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and
then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can
admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of
the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is
writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

If I must claw my human I will not do it in such a way
that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy
mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live
bug, even if it isn't as tasty.

Also, I have one for everyone who can see this: You will not try to speak to a tech support agent with your cellphone in speaker mode, because it creates a really annoying echo, making the agent want to just get off the damn call as soon as humanly possible, making them less likely to be particularly helpful.
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if_i_had_you From: if_i_had_you Date: Thursday 4th January 2007 08.15 (UTC) (Link)
Hey -- this is Evee, originally teruteruboozu. I just wanted to say hi and that I hope you're doing well. ♥ Best of luck in everything you're doing.
valamelmeo From: valamelmeo Date: Thursday 4th January 2007 18.19 (UTC) (Link)
I hope you're doing well too.
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